Fast 2 Day 2

196.2 lbs. So glad to see the scale moving the other way again.

Yesterday was surprisingly easy. How funny, that I find it so much simpler to NOT eat rather than to watch my portion sizes. Eating really makes me want more food. Go figure.

Yesterday I had 2 small teaspoons of honey and cayenne pepper to assist in metabolism and to give my body a little sugar. I mostly used the honey to mask the cayenne since I've tried it in just water and had to toss it out. It's not so bad in the master cleanse recipe (with syrup and lemon), but it's wretched in water.

I'm also trying to ease on the drinking water. From what I've read some advocate drinking lots of water, while others just want to your satisfy your thirst, and water doesn't "flush" toxins. So last fast I drank lots and lots (especially to help with hunger), so this one I'll try less water and only drink when thirsty or to satiate hunger.

It's a little disappointing to think that it's going to take me about a week to get rid of the weight I just regained. I realize what I did wrong. I fantasized about what I would eat, and I completely ignored the raw eating. This time I'm going to NOT daydream about all the food I'm going to eat, and I'm going to eat fruits and veggies as long as I can before slowly bringing back some traditional food.

Fast 2 Day 1

197.4 lbs is my starting weight for my second fast.

I stayed up really late last night and so I managed wake up at 1:45 pm today, so I can say it's been a pretty easy day since I've slept through most of it.

Screw That

Screw this shit. I'm going back to my fast. My depression and boredom is far too overwhelming for me to make good decisions right now, and I don't need to see that scale go up right now.

I've been drinking plantation iced tea with simple syrup, I think I'll try cold turkey with water again, but supplement with my iced tea with honey (instead of the sugar) if I feel dizzy.

I know I said I wasn't going to eat today, but I did. And this was what I was afraid of - that once I ended my fast, I wouldn't be able to re-start it should I find it necessary.

I'm totally ok with regaining a bit of weight - it's completely understandable. But I can't allow 10 lbs to come back after I lost 18 lbs. How counterproductive that is. If I lost 50 lbs and then gained 10 lbs back, well, that so much more acceptable.

I was happy when I wasn't eating. I was happy to be in control. I was happy to see my scale go down. Don't get me wrong, I love to eat, and I've been enjoying the food I've been cooking. I think I've also caused myself problems by combining too many diet plans instead of keeping it simple. Reading French Women Don't Get Fat made me want to eat really fantastic food but know when to stop. Such fantastic food when I don't have control over myself is just dangerous for me. I sit at home all day long, I can't get my BF to do anything with me when we are in this money funk and depression. He even caught himself opening the fridge for food when he wasn't hungry; just bored. So I'm retardedly eating out of sheer boredom. I've fallen into the same stupid problems.

Tonight I played Wii tennis for about 30 minutes. I felt full from the food I've been eating too. All that work and I'm pretty sure my tummy's all stretched out again. I feel so stupid. How pointless this was.

Tomorrow I will eat nothing. I am back to water. Food is for slender & healthy people, not lardassed polar bears like me.

I refuse to be fat. I refuse. I refuse. I intend to get married this year and I refuse to be a fat bride. I refuse. I will not be fat. I will be lean and healthy. I refuse to be fat. I refuse. I'm not going to let this fat win. I refuse.

Tomorrow will be day 1. Again. I've told my BF I ain't eating. I'll tell him I'm taking a vitamin and having juice once and a while to keep him off my case. He even seems to feel guilty for talking me out of my fast.

Instead of a failure, we'll call this my off-fast time. I took a week off, gained some weight back, and now I'm back to fasting. Yeah, that sounds better, doesn't it? It was just a break, and I didn't gain it all back. I gained about half back. So I'm still on track with my old plan of fasting and breaking. Positive thinking. Yay me! I'll be skinny! I'm dealing with this before I gain it all back. I'm putting an end to this before it gets out of hand. I'm still ahead of the game. Yay!

Post Fast Day 5

196.4 lbs today. This is not the direction I wanted to see the scale moving. I didn't feel like posting yesterday, but basically I've been re-reading French Women Don't Get Fat and I've been shopping for quality, delicious foods. Which I then ate most of yesterday.

Dammit.

So I'm attempting to not eat anything today, just drink my plantation iced tea. Apparently I don't have self control yet, and I am really unhappy of re-gaining half of what I lost in 5 days time.

Maybe all the naysayers were right. I'm going to gain it all back plus some.

Post Fast Day 3

I gained about 2 lbs. I forgot exactly what the scale said, 191.something. I'm not terribly concerned because my body has food in it now, and I still haven't had a BM, so everything I've been eating is basically still in there....which is a little concerning. If something doesn't happen today I think I might pop a laxative tonight just so I can see that my body's still working right!

I've been getting weak and dizzy in the afternoon, almost like a drop in blood sugar. This is so odd to me because when I wasn't consuming anything this didn't really seem to happen.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and felt queasy and nauseous the whole time, and on my way home I felt so bad I stopped at the gas station for a carton of OJ. I tried sipping that, which helped a bit, but when I gulped it down I felt much better. Hmm, I guess I'd better have some juice handy for a while.

I bought those rounds of Laughing Cow spreadable cheeses, the ones that come in little foil wedges and some baked Ritz crackers for a snack. Those are fantastic! Even my BF ate them, which I was surprised he would even like them (he's a Doritos man). I didn't get any fruit because the store I went to has crummy fresh fruits and veggies from my past experience. I think I'll just make a point of walking/biking to Foodland a block away for daily fruit.

So I snacked on those, then for dinner I had half a turkey & turkey ham sandwich with mustard and mayo, lettuce and shredder cheese, a bowl of caesar salad, and some more of the cheese and crackers. I finished off the juice (it was the pint size). I stopped eating at 6:30 pm, but I had a few crackers at around 10 pm - gotta work on that.

I'm concerned about portion sizes and oddly don't feel like I know what is "too much".

For breakfast this morning (day 3) I had a cinnamon raisin english muffin with some I Can't Believe it's Not Butter.

For lunch I had a regular sandwich (2 pieces bread) of the same sandwich I had yesterday, and I had a bowl of ceasar salad (it's the bag kit, I was going to make parmesan chicken for my BF last night, but I'll make it tonight).

I just had a snack of some crackers (the it's like 28 crackers for 4 g of fat) and about half of one of those little cheese wedges. Drinking water now.

I want to make plantation iced tea to keep in the fridge to drink. I'm usually a Crystal Light drinker but I'm going to try to opt for natural sweetners like real sugar, honey, and juices. So I want to brew tea and dump a can of pineapple juice in it to sweeten it and make plantation tea. Yum.

For dinner tonight I'll be making parmesan chicken (the lazy way) by making shake & bake chicken breasts, then putting marinara sauce and mozzarela on top the last few minutes. Side with a ceasar salad. I'm sure I'll eat most of the salad and have 1 piece of chicken. That doesn't sound too bad, right?

Post Fast Day 2

Ok, to recap day 1 first:

Had a cup of OJ from Jamba Juice (just the fresh squeezed stuff). Did not have the skies part or angels sing. Felt ok until I almost finished the glass, then I felt awful. Kind of sick and icky all over. Eventually that passed, then after a few hours I got all twitchy and headache-y. I think I was having a drop in blood sugar or something. I felt like I was tweaking on something. I was all fidgety, kept rubbing my face and neck, wringing my hands, and for the first time I was all short and snappy with my BF. I even told him "See, I was nicer when I wasn't eating!". So I ran out and got a papaya and a fruit cup. Downed most of the fruit cup before BF told me to take it easy. Felt much better. Had an itty bitty and bizzare BM. I think it was mostly orange juice or something. Unfortunately fruit isn't satisfying, and now that I was suddenly having food again, I needed to satiate myself. BF kept offering peanut butter because he was worried I was protein deficient or something. He finally said "I'm going to make you a sandwich" and left for the kitchen with me protesting that it would be too much. Turns out he was making me a little Lunchables sandwich with ham, cheese, and crackers. THAT was the heavens parting and angels singing. HOLY COW. I ate that really slowly, savoring each bite. Seriously. And I don't usually like Lunchables. I ate 2 more. Then I had a half a papaya and a few more Lunchables for dinner.

I didn't follow my plan at all, and I was really worried I screwed myself up in the tummy as well as gained a bunch of weight back. Thankfully, this morning the scale showed no change. But I haven't had a BM yet, and that worries me. I'm scared of what's brewing in my tummy.

Onto today. I had half a papaya for breakfast. Had a few slices of bananas with the kids for morning snack. Drank some water. For lunch I ate beef stew with brown rice and milk with the kids. I got scared that I ate too much too fast. I had 2 ice cream sized scoops of stew and 2 spoonfuls of rice (about half a "hawaiian" scoop) and probably a half a cup of milk. It was heaven. I know the school prepares its own food to be nutritious for the kids, so I'm not too concerned. Still worried about the BM to come.

Day 12, and the End (Post Fast Day 1)

189.6 lbs this morning. Obviously my sloooooow metabolism has brought my loss to a crawl.

But why am I ending my fast? Last night my BF finally put two and two together and had a minor meltdown. He wanted to call my parents, his parents, he wanted to get my OJ that night, etc. He thinks I'm killing myself and now I get jokes that I don't have enough energy to do things.

I told him I wasn't doing this forever and tried to explain it to him. He backed off, but the weakling jokes are annoying (I play dead when he says that). I told him I wanted to fast, break, fast, break until I hit my goals.

Sooooo, seeing as how I've managed 11 days on water (a little cheat of juice or broth here or there) and lost 17.2 lbs and I'm craving foods like a madwoman, I've decided this fast is over. I shall break it, eat healthy (I'm horrified at the weight coming back), and fast again for a week or so.

Knowing in my mind last night that I was breaking my fast, I went a little insane. I actually couldn't sleep! I was dreaming of the juice I'd partake of today, the sushi I'd have in a few days. My digestive system actually started up again as I salivated and vividly imagined the taste of the spicy tuna I would be eating. It was the most torture I'd experienced. So I didn't actually get to sleep until around 3 am, and I'm finally up and groggy at 10 am. Just checking in before I head to Jamba Juice for from fresh OJ, then off to find a store that has Odwalla juicers. I have no juicer and I'm far too poor to get one.

I also intend to do a bit of calorie shifting/every other day fasting to continue to lose weight. It's funny, but I have to remind myself that fasting isn't the only way I can lose weight. It was a tool to get me going in the right direction and give me control to do well. I had to keep reminding myself of that last night. So I will moniter my weight very closely and make sure I keep it going in the right direction.

I'll also continue to post here daily, since fasting isn't only about the not eating part. It's about the post-fast, as well as the new relationship with food and continued success. I also want to keep myself accountable.

Sooooo, I'm off for some juice! I'm very excited!!