Screw That

Screw this shit. I'm going back to my fast. My depression and boredom is far too overwhelming for me to make good decisions right now, and I don't need to see that scale go up right now.

I've been drinking plantation iced tea with simple syrup, I think I'll try cold turkey with water again, but supplement with my iced tea with honey (instead of the sugar) if I feel dizzy.

I know I said I wasn't going to eat today, but I did. And this was what I was afraid of - that once I ended my fast, I wouldn't be able to re-start it should I find it necessary.

I'm totally ok with regaining a bit of weight - it's completely understandable. But I can't allow 10 lbs to come back after I lost 18 lbs. How counterproductive that is. If I lost 50 lbs and then gained 10 lbs back, well, that so much more acceptable.

I was happy when I wasn't eating. I was happy to be in control. I was happy to see my scale go down. Don't get me wrong, I love to eat, and I've been enjoying the food I've been cooking. I think I've also caused myself problems by combining too many diet plans instead of keeping it simple. Reading French Women Don't Get Fat made me want to eat really fantastic food but know when to stop. Such fantastic food when I don't have control over myself is just dangerous for me. I sit at home all day long, I can't get my BF to do anything with me when we are in this money funk and depression. He even caught himself opening the fridge for food when he wasn't hungry; just bored. So I'm retardedly eating out of sheer boredom. I've fallen into the same stupid problems.

Tonight I played Wii tennis for about 30 minutes. I felt full from the food I've been eating too. All that work and I'm pretty sure my tummy's all stretched out again. I feel so stupid. How pointless this was.

Tomorrow I will eat nothing. I am back to water. Food is for slender & healthy people, not lardassed polar bears like me.

I refuse to be fat. I refuse. I refuse. I intend to get married this year and I refuse to be a fat bride. I refuse. I will not be fat. I will be lean and healthy. I refuse to be fat. I refuse. I'm not going to let this fat win. I refuse.

Tomorrow will be day 1. Again. I've told my BF I ain't eating. I'll tell him I'm taking a vitamin and having juice once and a while to keep him off my case. He even seems to feel guilty for talking me out of my fast.

Instead of a failure, we'll call this my off-fast time. I took a week off, gained some weight back, and now I'm back to fasting. Yeah, that sounds better, doesn't it? It was just a break, and I didn't gain it all back. I gained about half back. So I'm still on track with my old plan of fasting and breaking. Positive thinking. Yay me! I'll be skinny! I'm dealing with this before I gain it all back. I'm putting an end to this before it gets out of hand. I'm still ahead of the game. Yay!