Day 11

Popped up to 184.4 lbs this morning, that's probably because I'm using my scale again (used my parents' yesterday). No biggie.

Now, some news. Fast is officially broken today. Darn it, not the 30 days I was hoping for, but I promised I would listen to my body.

I was hungry. There were no temptations before me, no smells to entice me. I felt hungry, so I had a glass of water. Then another. Then I had a bit of honey. No go, my tummy was asking for food. So I complied.

I had a Strawberry Nirvana smoothie from Jamba Juice with some sliced almonds on top. It was very nice. Then the BF and I went to Genki Sushi and I had a salad with soybeans in it, hot tea, about half a poke bowl (poke is raw tuna with seasonings, the bowl just means over rice) that wasn't good so I didn't eat much, I ate a few pieces of garlic chicken and I had a fried shrimp (ebi). It was all very nice, and while the fast wasnt broken perfectly, it was still done in what I consider the range of "healthy" food to not be in any danger of blowing everything completely.

It's still a tossup if I'm going to have a papaya for breakfast tomorrow of if I will fast, we shall see.

My BF's birthday is on the 22nd and I'd like to take him to Kobe Steakhouse (he loves that place), so I didn't want to go back into a deep fast prior to it and feel sick when I ate there.

So I'll attempt some intermittent fasting until then, which in my opinion is much harder than a long fast, because you're constantly struggling with the hardest part, which is day 1.

I feel somewhat secure that since I finally reached past the 185 mark that I will hopefully be able to easily maintain closer to this weight than going back up into the 190s again. I feel that the difficulty I had getting there means my body was resetting itself. At least that's my theory.

So, IF and healthfull eating (yay broccoli and brown rice!!) until the 22nd, enjoy a lovely teppanyaki dinner, then I will hop back on the fasting bandwagon again. I'm starting to think that a 30 day fast in undoable with the pressures of daily life, and is best suited to a retreat setting. With that in mind, I think I will just strive to do 7-14 day fasts as often as possible with rests between until I reach my goal. Obviously this will have to be rethought if I only succeed in gaining and losing the same 10 lbs over and over! Considering though, that a 7-14 day fast is pretty much what I've done to get me here (and I maintained the 195 since May), I have a good feeling about it.

While I wish I had managed to stay the course, I leave this fast without guilt (ok ok, maybe a little, but I'm trying!) and with no regrets. I'll try to do right by my body, and since it's been rewarding me with looking better every day, how can I do wrong?

And you shall see me again, as soon as I can muster the willpower again to make it the first day, hopefully very soon after the 22nd.

Day 10

183.4 lbs this morning. It's all gravy now :)

Have a very dry mouth today, and the Diet Pepsi I sipped from made my tummy a little sick, so I'll stick with water today. I'm in exciting new territory now, numbers that have not been seen for years. There is no bad at this point.

I'm going to keep on doing what I'm doing.

Day 7

185.4 lbs! Woooohooooo!

I can't remember the last time I weighed this, but I'm thinking it was around the end of 2007 when I was laid off.....I think.

So wonderful! I was cleaning up yesterday and I found a mailing box full of clothes I had ordered from Target ages ago.....like, a year or more. I had them packed and boxed up to mail back to return, but I squirreled them away for a while thinking I would lose weight and they would fit. Hehe.

Well, having discovered them yesterday, I tried them all on! The pants gave me a huge muffin top, but they actually came up over my but and zipped up this time. The shirts were decent, the ones with the cap sleeves were too snug. I'd give everything about 10 more lbs. before I can comfortably wear them. Isn't that funny? I can actually think in terms of weeks instead of months like other people losing weight do.

I've been getting weird tummy grumblings.....not hunger, just grumbles and sloshings. Kind of weird, but tolerable. Everything is hunky dory. Nothing new to report, no bad things, only good and easy. Haven't really started to miss eating yet, haven't really thought about it much.

Day 6

Hooray! Down to 186.4 lbs this morning, I'm essentially back where I started when I broke my last fast. Now everything is a fresh loss.

I'm feeling great, I have lots of energy this time around, except the weak day I posted about.

The horrible flavor that I can't get rid of is back. Honey doesn't help, mints or brushing your teeth/tongue don't either. It seems that sucking a couple grains of sea salt does though! Yes, I've discovered salt this time around. I can't remember where, but I read that it was a nice addition to a fast. So now when I have the urge for a flavor or a bad/dry taste in my mouth, a couple grains of salt (these are the larger sea salt crystals) on my tongue is wonderful! I think I like it even more than honey.

I've also been "treating" myself every morning with a cup of hot tea and a spoonful of honey dissolved in it. Gives me something to look forward to.

Now that I'm in the exciting "new loss" territory, I'll probably be posting more regularly again because I'll be excited at seeing these numbers.

Day 5

189 this morning. I was very weak and tired yesterday, I was feeling great today.

Drinking diet coke/pepsi when I feel like it, and honey and tea as well. I'm feeling good, and very happy to be back to fasting. I was completely bingeing after going off my fast improperly.....and I mean completely!

It's very nice and comforting to feel back in control. I have to warn you, it was very difficult my first couple of days to stay on this fast. I had never had such difficulty previously. so I attribute that to the poorly broken fast and the total gluttony since then. I would recommend to anyone who is really, truly struggling with beginning a fast to try to go just a day at a time, and if you really can't find the willpower to continue, to eat healthy, fruits and veggies, and try to start your fast again. Starting my second fast after the healthy eating habits I gained from the first one was so effortless.

But now all is well, I'm on day 5 and I'm feeling pretty in control. I even made brownies today and I felt hardly a temptation, though I will admit I ate a couple crumbs that stuck to the knife while I was cutting them!

A new fast, day 1

Just documenting the start day of a new fast. This time I'll be aiming for 30 days.

I'm not sure of my start weight, because I didn't weigh. I figure I was between 195-198 to begin with. I'm not as interested in the daily losses, as much as the overall. I've become very zen about the whole thing :)

Will post updates less frequently as I'm in a very redundant stage for this blog. I'll get more thorough when I reach around 2 weeks or so.

Blag (aka Day 1)

Bleh. I feel icky. There is a lump of food in my stomach that refuses to go away.

I broke my fast Sunday night as well as all day Monday. That was an experiment in crappiness. I did everything WRONG, and I'm paying the consequences of my actions today.

191 lbs today. 5 stinking pounds in a day and a half of craptacular eating. I suspect 3/4 of that is sitting, undigested in my stomach at this moment.

I just couldn't get around it though. So I'm going to have to take this as a learning experience and use my knowledge for good, not evil.

What have I learned? Don't break a fast incorrectly. Do no go immediately into eating chicken fingers and cheesy french fries with ranch dressing. Delicious as they may be, your poor tummy doesn't know what the hell to do with that crap after 11 days of lounging about with its feet up. Break a fast properly, with juice the first day, fresh soft fruit the next, and so on and so forth.

Well, I'm hoping on the bright side, that this will help me power through that little stall I was having and get me down to the lower 180s sometime next week.

It's hard not to be annoyed when you lose ground this way, but such is life. You are out there, fasting on your own, without the support of most of your friends and family. Being told you are anorexic and crazy if you dare to tell someone 1% of what you're doing. I wish I had the resources to do this in a treatment center, far from those who will talk down to you with no knowledge and farther from those who want you to eat. So this could be your story, and that's why I'm posting it. There is ALWAYS recovery after a screw up. That's called LIFE, people. Nothing is perfect, it's just about getting up, dusting yourself off, taking a lesson from it, and moving forward.

The only way I would fail is if I didn't restart my fast immediately. I had considered going off for a week and restarting, but that was with the belief I would have eaten more reasonably and healthily than I did. Since I chose not to, I don't feel I'm ready to make good choices like I did at the end of my first fast.

Another good way to look at this is now I can go for another 2 week fast and manage to do a month long fast with 1 break in the middle :)

Now a cousin is visiting. She's coming in today (oh when will this END!!) I will tell them I'm seeing them on days I'm fasting (IF). If they bug me to visit on days I'm not fasting, I'll tell them I'm purposely seeing them on my fast days to keep me from overindulging when I'm not :) That sounds like a good plan!

I'm bummed at the idea of having to go through some of the detox crap again. :(

Breaking my fast tomorrow (temporarily!)

I have a girlfriend visiting from out of town and she has been hounding me to get together to have dinner with her. I thought I satiated her need to see me by hanging at the beach, but that wasn't enough apparently. Hehehe.

So, reluctantly, and on the heels of my stupid stall, I will break my fast tomorrow.

I'm going to break it with juice (and maybe a papaya!) in the morning, and I'll try to stick with a simple salad for dinner, but the thought of some salmon is kind of tempting. That may be too much! I didn't have any adverse effects coming off my last fast, so I may be fairly ok.

I think I'll just stay off my fast for a few days, or maybe just one day, and hop back on. Heck, it may even break me out of the stall.

So, I'm preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.

I think it's really difficult to get through a 30 day fast if you aren't hidden away from the world at some retreat, because there is the constant pressure to eat. 2 week fasts seem to be all I can manage right now, and any way I look at it, it's still better than nothing.

To think, had I not discovered fasting, I would be sitting her at 206 lbs right now, thinking of ordering a burger and lots of beer tomorrow, instead of 186 lbs, thinking of the lightest, healthiest thing I can get off the menu :) Change is change.

Day 10

186 again today. Now I'm annoyed. This is seriously bugging me. I had better see that damn scale move tomorrow. 3 days at 186 is not cool.

I had 2 mugs of tea last night, one with honey and one with sugar. I put it into fitday to see the calories and it was only about 113 or so, so I don't see why that would be a problem. I was also drinking a lot of water last night, thinking I was retaining water.

This makes it harder to want to keep that willpower. Add to that my BF is coming over to grill a steak for dinner, I'll have someone eating in front of me for the first time during this fast.

Oh well, I'm going to keep at it....

Day 9

No change in weight today. Perhaps because I started my period? I'm trying not to be disappointed, but deep down I am. I have to keep reminding myself that I've lost 10 lbs in a little over a week, a feat most mainstream diets could never achieve, and that I'm ahead of the game.

Hopefully I will see a large drop tomorrow or the day after, but I suppose my female body is retaining water and working against me for now.

I'm also starting to get pouty about food. I'd really like some salmon. YUM. And broccoli and brown rice. I keep telling myself not to break my fast yet, it's not worth it, as I'll probably gain and only have a net loss of around 5 lbs or so. That's not worth it IMHO.

So I will keep truckin on, hoping for the best.

At least I've been feeling just great. Nice and energetic.

More Thoughts

I know I've said this before, but it begs repeating.

I'm so surprised and kind of disgusted that people think that a life-threatening surgery (bariatric surgery) is more acceptable than fasting.

It disturbs me that someone would think that allowing a doctor to cut your stomach into a little pouch and rearrange your innards is somehow safer than fasting, and that it's necessary for so many morbidly obese people.

I have a sick fascination with those morbidly obese documentary shows on Discovery and TLC and stuff. It first fascinates me that someone gets that fat. To which my BF always mentions how fat I am, and how I let myself get as fat as I did (206). He's right, to a degree. I suppose it's just a matter of denial to creep up to 300 and beyond. I managed to go from 147 to 172 in a few months, and I was in pure denial. I did it eating junk food. Lots of fast food. And eating as much as my 6'1" athletic boyfriend did. I admit, it was stupid and I was blind. It got to the point where I was so scared to get on the scale to see the gain, that I'd just avoid it. And then the scale was banished to the closet. Once and a while it would come out, I would attempt to lose weight, nothing would happen, and the scale was once again banished.

So I can see how one can just fall into a despair and denial, and just gain and gain.

It makes me sad that 1) no one ever explained fasting to these people as an option, and 2) that if they were to ever consider fasting on their own, people would scoff and tell them how crazy they are. It makes me sad that the weight loss rates for fasting and the first month of bariatric surgery are the same (approx 1 lb a day). It makes me sad that they have had their stomachs reduced to the size of an egg, and must forever eat that way.

I haven't lost enough weight to see yet, but there are claims on some fasting sites that even though the weight is rapidly lost, because the body is doing it naturally and consuming it's excess reserves that I won't lose skin elasticity or tone and end up with droopy bags of skin. Unfortunately that's not so for someone who has bariatric surgery.

With fasting, I can get the results of someone who had a major, dangerous, and expensive surgery. And it's FREE! Hehehe. I don't have to take supplements for the rest of my life because my stomach is no longer intact and unable to absorb nutrients as efficiently.

Fasting changes the foods that I crave. While sure, that commercial for Jack in the Box's meal looked pretty good, what I really want to eat are fruits, veggies, whole grains, fish, chicken, and other delicious and nutritious foods. I don't want sodas, ice cream, cake, donuts, etc. I'm sure I'll indulge when I want to, but my mindset and cravings are on a different track, and it was absolutely painless to change my eating desires. I had no thought about it, it just was. For someone who had GB, they still want the same foods they indulged in, they have to learn to like the new, healthier diet they're supposed to be eating, but it will be harder for them to break the junk food habit.

I just really wish these people who are in pain and suffering with their immense weight had someone to turn to, somewhere to go to have someone there to offer an alternative to the drastic means. I think fasting is a valid and successful way to change their lives, and far safer than surgery.

My cousin had GB. And I'll be honest with you here. I don't respect that. While I understand what a big decision it is to have the surgery and all the life changes that come with it. I still can't find respect for someone who couldn't do it "on their own". To have someone cut out your stomach because you can't make a change in your life seems like a cop-out. It's like cutting off your nose to spite your face. It's not your stomach's fault you are fat. It's all in your mind. That's what you need to change.

Day 8

186.8 lbs this morning.

If I continue to lose at 1-2 lbs a day, which I'm not sure how long this will last), I will be in the 170s by next week. *happy dance*

I find myself no more hungry then I ever was, but my mind is really quick to start thinking of breaking the fast. I have to snap myself out of it and remind myself that I'm not hungry, I just miss food. That tides me over for a while. It's a simple enough "craving" to break with a simple thought said to myself, so I don't find it to be very strong.

Going to the beach today with a friend. My retro bathing suit looks even cuter (I didn't think that was possible!) now that I'm 10 lbs lighter. The rouching in the front is even more rouchier! :) I've been putting off seeing her because she and I tend to have meals then get sloppy drunk. This way we'll be stranded at the beach with whatever snacks she brings, hopefully it'll be something I don't like or I can explain that I'm on an IF and today is a fast day. I just know she's not the type who would understand or accept it.

Someone on a forum I belong to and have recently posted a bit about my fasting has messaged me with interest. I shared a bunch of links with her to get going on the research. Hopefully she gives this or something similar a shot and is as happy as I am with the results and effects on both mind and body. I've stopped posting about the fast there because after a few days I started to get the people concerned about my health, the ones who have a knee-jerk reaction to "not eating", much as I did, and most people do, when they don't put in the research. It's ok, it's to be expected. I know they were only worried for my well-being.

Day 7

My goodness! I forgot to post today :)

187.8 lbs this morning. I had a few spoonfuls of honey last night to combat the intense light-headedness I was having.

Today I feel fit as a fiddle! Absolutely no weakness or light headedness at all.

I also played in my closet, trying on a bunch of outfits and dresses. I was so excited I fit into a slinky red satin dress I bought for a friend's wedding back in March but was too small to even zip halfway. Well, today, with no shapwear I got it all zipped up and looked pretty damn good! It's a good thing I couldn't wear it, or I might have upstaged the bride. I do need to wear my spanx to help with some rolls and lumps, but the thing fits!

Days like these are what makes it super easy to trek on. I got a couple grumbles when I was in the shower, but some water put an end to that. Though now the grumbles at night are starting to get me thinking of quitting early. I think I'm just starting to miss food.

What's funny is I was planning a picnic menu for my BF's birthday in August that consisted of fried chicken, potato salad, and some fruit bars (I think I mentioned this in my last post) but none of those got me hungry. It's when I think of broccoli and brown rice, salads, and tofu that I get all hungry! Hehehe.

Still super funky breath and tongue. Yuck. It means I have a ways to go for detox.

I just wish people would understand before they make assumptions. I have been avoiding meeting up with a friend who's visiting because where do friend's hang out? Restaurants. Bars. I finally worked out to meet up with her at the beach tomorrow. I should be able to avoid eating without getting suspicious. It's nice that my BF has come to terms with the fasting now and keeps remembering when he suggests a restaurant or something that "Oh, you're not eating though". It's sweet.

Day 6

188.8 lbs this morning. I found that humorous :)

Last night I had a couple of rumbles in my tummy, and I was once again imagining pan-frying up some delicious tofu!! How weird.

Insomnia has not gone away. It takes me ages to fall asleep, only to wake about 2 hours later, again fall asleep, wake 2 hours later, etc. It's rather exhausting. I was really hoping I would have my fantastic sleep from my last fast again. :(

So it's really hard to gauge how tired I am based on sleep or fasting.

In a week I'll be closing in on the 170s!! Oh happy day!


Update: I had to have a spoonful of honey and another mixed in a cup of hot tea this afternoon. I felt just TOO weak. I ran to the post office to pick up some packages and I had to psych myself up for every minor exertion: getting off the couch, changing clothes (I actually changed while sitting on the toilet), walking down the stairs, getting into my low car (Tiburon coupe, the seat is like a foot off the ground), getting OUT of my low car, standing in line, carrying large packages, getting back INTO my car, driving (felt very light headed), getting me and the packages out of my car, then back UP the stairs. LOL. They're all incredibly minor activities but they really took a toll on me. I'm so happy I wasn't like this yesterday when I had to help my mom clean windows and strip beds and stuff! So I decided that I would have some honey to raise blood sugar and give me an extra boost of glucose to add to my energy :) It tasted wonderful, and my tea was lovely. I'm going to brew another cup without honey. I don't want to overdo it :)

Day 5

191 this morning! WOOOOOOT. So I guess a little mild physical exertion pays off :)

I'm still doing well, had to help my mom clean her house today, so that was a little exhausting. I stood up too fast a couple of times and had to steady myself.

I think it's so weird the type of food cravings you get while fasting. Seriously, I'm not here dying for some ice cream or pizza. I'm fantasizing over tofu and sweet potatoes (I've never been fond of either). It's like once you let your body clean itself out, suddenly all the crap you used to desire is replaced with more healthful food. Which is another great bonus to fasting.....it resets your food desires. :)

I'm getting little hunger pangs here and there, nothing tragic or earth shattering though.

Had a cup of tea a while ago, probably have another later tonight :)

Day 4

193 this morning.

I tried putting on a ring last night that I had worn earlier in the day, and I must be retaining water or something because my fingers were swollen. Either it's the salt from the diet coke, or it's PMS. *shrug* No biggie, the weightloss has slowed down right now, I'm sure it will pick back up shortly.

I'm still doing well. No cravings or real hunger yet. Tummy did a couple gurgles last night. I had a pot of jasmine tea to try to soothe me to sleep. That didn't help. The insomnia is back. It's really frustrating. I kind of toss and turn, get semi-comfy, doze off, then open my eyes again. I never hit REM or had any dreams, and before I knew it I opened my eyes and it was 5:30 am! For some reason when I have these insomniac problems I sleep the most in the morning, between 5 am and 11 am. I hate that, because not only are you still tired, but now you've slept half the day away, and you've screwed up being able to get to sleep at a decent hour the next night.

So, I'm still going strong with the fast.

Update: Rode my bike to the library today for some free a/c. More tiring than normal, I was a little weak this morning. I feel fine now.

Day 3

I'm doing great. 194 lbs this morning. 4 lbs in 2 days.

I'm drinking a lot less water this time around, really just enough to satisfy my thirst. The first fast I was sucking down water all day thinking it would a) flush the fat faster and b) keep me from getting hungry.

Staying up late reading up on fasting and IF (intermittent fasting/feeding) to give me inspiration. I think I'm going to push for a full 30 days this time. I really think I can do it. I also really want to just be done with the prolonged fasting and being fat. I think IF is a great idea, but right now I want SPEED. I'll probably use IF as a way to maintain or to drop a couple pounds if I have a little gain, but that's when I close in on my goal.

It's been easy because my BF moved out. I don't have to think about food for him, don't have to watch him eat, etc. I have kept my fridge door closed as much as possible. It was also SUPER easy because I had my cable out for a week. I wasn't bombarded with all those food commercials. They really are all over the place.

I'm meeting my BF for a movie in a couple of hours. He can get popcorn or a hot dog and I should be able to resist, and the fact that we won't be seated in a restaurant or I wont have to watch him eat will make it easier. I may get a diet coke at the movies. Remember, I'm not doing this for a detox, I'm doing it for weight loss. I'm vain. Plus, having a flavor in my mouth may help me fight any desire for what he's eating. We'll see if I do that or just stick with water :)

I'm happy with my progress and happy to know that I will be well into the 180s and closing in on the 170s by the end of this week. Oh happy day!

I'm baaaack!

Ok, I've totally fallen off the bandwagon here, not posting at all.

What's happened? I've remained in the 196 lb realm all through June. While I fluctuated up a few pounds here and there, my body always naturally brought be back down to here. It's nice knowing I managed to reset my set point.

I've also had several false starts with a new fast. I managed several 1 or 2 days fasts, but I always found myself talking myself info eating and breaking the fasts.

I'm really striving to get back into the fasting for weight loss. I've been reading up of fasting again to inspire me, and I found a bunch of old photos of me in highschool and college where I was much thinner. Those are up on the fridge now.

Yesterday was day 1, today is day 2. I almost convinced myself to get food a couple of times last night, but I managed to press on. Today I'm expecting the same thing.

In the time since my initial long fast, I have not had any fast food! The only thing close has been pizza. But no Taco Bell or Jack in the Box, which is quite a feat for someone who used to eat there almost daily. My diet has also gone about 70% vegetarian, and I crave odd things for dinner like steamed broccoli with brown rice. That's been one of my favorites. I don't eat meat all that much anymore. This is all very unconsciously.

Ok, stats:

Start: July 3, 2009
Start Weight: 198 lbs (I really pigged out the night before to clean out my fridge)

Current weight: 195 lbs

3 lbs in 1 day.

Fast 2 Day 2

196.2 lbs. So glad to see the scale moving the other way again.

Yesterday was surprisingly easy. How funny, that I find it so much simpler to NOT eat rather than to watch my portion sizes. Eating really makes me want more food. Go figure.

Yesterday I had 2 small teaspoons of honey and cayenne pepper to assist in metabolism and to give my body a little sugar. I mostly used the honey to mask the cayenne since I've tried it in just water and had to toss it out. It's not so bad in the master cleanse recipe (with syrup and lemon), but it's wretched in water.

I'm also trying to ease on the drinking water. From what I've read some advocate drinking lots of water, while others just want to your satisfy your thirst, and water doesn't "flush" toxins. So last fast I drank lots and lots (especially to help with hunger), so this one I'll try less water and only drink when thirsty or to satiate hunger.

It's a little disappointing to think that it's going to take me about a week to get rid of the weight I just regained. I realize what I did wrong. I fantasized about what I would eat, and I completely ignored the raw eating. This time I'm going to NOT daydream about all the food I'm going to eat, and I'm going to eat fruits and veggies as long as I can before slowly bringing back some traditional food.

Fast 2 Day 1

197.4 lbs is my starting weight for my second fast.

I stayed up really late last night and so I managed wake up at 1:45 pm today, so I can say it's been a pretty easy day since I've slept through most of it.

Screw That

Screw this shit. I'm going back to my fast. My depression and boredom is far too overwhelming for me to make good decisions right now, and I don't need to see that scale go up right now.

I've been drinking plantation iced tea with simple syrup, I think I'll try cold turkey with water again, but supplement with my iced tea with honey (instead of the sugar) if I feel dizzy.

I know I said I wasn't going to eat today, but I did. And this was what I was afraid of - that once I ended my fast, I wouldn't be able to re-start it should I find it necessary.

I'm totally ok with regaining a bit of weight - it's completely understandable. But I can't allow 10 lbs to come back after I lost 18 lbs. How counterproductive that is. If I lost 50 lbs and then gained 10 lbs back, well, that so much more acceptable.

I was happy when I wasn't eating. I was happy to be in control. I was happy to see my scale go down. Don't get me wrong, I love to eat, and I've been enjoying the food I've been cooking. I think I've also caused myself problems by combining too many diet plans instead of keeping it simple. Reading French Women Don't Get Fat made me want to eat really fantastic food but know when to stop. Such fantastic food when I don't have control over myself is just dangerous for me. I sit at home all day long, I can't get my BF to do anything with me when we are in this money funk and depression. He even caught himself opening the fridge for food when he wasn't hungry; just bored. So I'm retardedly eating out of sheer boredom. I've fallen into the same stupid problems.

Tonight I played Wii tennis for about 30 minutes. I felt full from the food I've been eating too. All that work and I'm pretty sure my tummy's all stretched out again. I feel so stupid. How pointless this was.

Tomorrow I will eat nothing. I am back to water. Food is for slender & healthy people, not lardassed polar bears like me.

I refuse to be fat. I refuse. I refuse. I intend to get married this year and I refuse to be a fat bride. I refuse. I will not be fat. I will be lean and healthy. I refuse to be fat. I refuse. I'm not going to let this fat win. I refuse.

Tomorrow will be day 1. Again. I've told my BF I ain't eating. I'll tell him I'm taking a vitamin and having juice once and a while to keep him off my case. He even seems to feel guilty for talking me out of my fast.

Instead of a failure, we'll call this my off-fast time. I took a week off, gained some weight back, and now I'm back to fasting. Yeah, that sounds better, doesn't it? It was just a break, and I didn't gain it all back. I gained about half back. So I'm still on track with my old plan of fasting and breaking. Positive thinking. Yay me! I'll be skinny! I'm dealing with this before I gain it all back. I'm putting an end to this before it gets out of hand. I'm still ahead of the game. Yay!

Post Fast Day 5

196.4 lbs today. This is not the direction I wanted to see the scale moving. I didn't feel like posting yesterday, but basically I've been re-reading French Women Don't Get Fat and I've been shopping for quality, delicious foods. Which I then ate most of yesterday.

Dammit.

So I'm attempting to not eat anything today, just drink my plantation iced tea. Apparently I don't have self control yet, and I am really unhappy of re-gaining half of what I lost in 5 days time.

Maybe all the naysayers were right. I'm going to gain it all back plus some.

Post Fast Day 3

I gained about 2 lbs. I forgot exactly what the scale said, 191.something. I'm not terribly concerned because my body has food in it now, and I still haven't had a BM, so everything I've been eating is basically still in there....which is a little concerning. If something doesn't happen today I think I might pop a laxative tonight just so I can see that my body's still working right!

I've been getting weak and dizzy in the afternoon, almost like a drop in blood sugar. This is so odd to me because when I wasn't consuming anything this didn't really seem to happen.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and felt queasy and nauseous the whole time, and on my way home I felt so bad I stopped at the gas station for a carton of OJ. I tried sipping that, which helped a bit, but when I gulped it down I felt much better. Hmm, I guess I'd better have some juice handy for a while.

I bought those rounds of Laughing Cow spreadable cheeses, the ones that come in little foil wedges and some baked Ritz crackers for a snack. Those are fantastic! Even my BF ate them, which I was surprised he would even like them (he's a Doritos man). I didn't get any fruit because the store I went to has crummy fresh fruits and veggies from my past experience. I think I'll just make a point of walking/biking to Foodland a block away for daily fruit.

So I snacked on those, then for dinner I had half a turkey & turkey ham sandwich with mustard and mayo, lettuce and shredder cheese, a bowl of caesar salad, and some more of the cheese and crackers. I finished off the juice (it was the pint size). I stopped eating at 6:30 pm, but I had a few crackers at around 10 pm - gotta work on that.

I'm concerned about portion sizes and oddly don't feel like I know what is "too much".

For breakfast this morning (day 3) I had a cinnamon raisin english muffin with some I Can't Believe it's Not Butter.

For lunch I had a regular sandwich (2 pieces bread) of the same sandwich I had yesterday, and I had a bowl of ceasar salad (it's the bag kit, I was going to make parmesan chicken for my BF last night, but I'll make it tonight).

I just had a snack of some crackers (the it's like 28 crackers for 4 g of fat) and about half of one of those little cheese wedges. Drinking water now.

I want to make plantation iced tea to keep in the fridge to drink. I'm usually a Crystal Light drinker but I'm going to try to opt for natural sweetners like real sugar, honey, and juices. So I want to brew tea and dump a can of pineapple juice in it to sweeten it and make plantation tea. Yum.

For dinner tonight I'll be making parmesan chicken (the lazy way) by making shake & bake chicken breasts, then putting marinara sauce and mozzarela on top the last few minutes. Side with a ceasar salad. I'm sure I'll eat most of the salad and have 1 piece of chicken. That doesn't sound too bad, right?

Post Fast Day 2

Ok, to recap day 1 first:

Had a cup of OJ from Jamba Juice (just the fresh squeezed stuff). Did not have the skies part or angels sing. Felt ok until I almost finished the glass, then I felt awful. Kind of sick and icky all over. Eventually that passed, then after a few hours I got all twitchy and headache-y. I think I was having a drop in blood sugar or something. I felt like I was tweaking on something. I was all fidgety, kept rubbing my face and neck, wringing my hands, and for the first time I was all short and snappy with my BF. I even told him "See, I was nicer when I wasn't eating!". So I ran out and got a papaya and a fruit cup. Downed most of the fruit cup before BF told me to take it easy. Felt much better. Had an itty bitty and bizzare BM. I think it was mostly orange juice or something. Unfortunately fruit isn't satisfying, and now that I was suddenly having food again, I needed to satiate myself. BF kept offering peanut butter because he was worried I was protein deficient or something. He finally said "I'm going to make you a sandwich" and left for the kitchen with me protesting that it would be too much. Turns out he was making me a little Lunchables sandwich with ham, cheese, and crackers. THAT was the heavens parting and angels singing. HOLY COW. I ate that really slowly, savoring each bite. Seriously. And I don't usually like Lunchables. I ate 2 more. Then I had a half a papaya and a few more Lunchables for dinner.

I didn't follow my plan at all, and I was really worried I screwed myself up in the tummy as well as gained a bunch of weight back. Thankfully, this morning the scale showed no change. But I haven't had a BM yet, and that worries me. I'm scared of what's brewing in my tummy.

Onto today. I had half a papaya for breakfast. Had a few slices of bananas with the kids for morning snack. Drank some water. For lunch I ate beef stew with brown rice and milk with the kids. I got scared that I ate too much too fast. I had 2 ice cream sized scoops of stew and 2 spoonfuls of rice (about half a "hawaiian" scoop) and probably a half a cup of milk. It was heaven. I know the school prepares its own food to be nutritious for the kids, so I'm not too concerned. Still worried about the BM to come.

Day 12, and the End (Post Fast Day 1)

189.6 lbs this morning. Obviously my sloooooow metabolism has brought my loss to a crawl.

But why am I ending my fast? Last night my BF finally put two and two together and had a minor meltdown. He wanted to call my parents, his parents, he wanted to get my OJ that night, etc. He thinks I'm killing myself and now I get jokes that I don't have enough energy to do things.

I told him I wasn't doing this forever and tried to explain it to him. He backed off, but the weakling jokes are annoying (I play dead when he says that). I told him I wanted to fast, break, fast, break until I hit my goals.

Sooooo, seeing as how I've managed 11 days on water (a little cheat of juice or broth here or there) and lost 17.2 lbs and I'm craving foods like a madwoman, I've decided this fast is over. I shall break it, eat healthy (I'm horrified at the weight coming back), and fast again for a week or so.

Knowing in my mind last night that I was breaking my fast, I went a little insane. I actually couldn't sleep! I was dreaming of the juice I'd partake of today, the sushi I'd have in a few days. My digestive system actually started up again as I salivated and vividly imagined the taste of the spicy tuna I would be eating. It was the most torture I'd experienced. So I didn't actually get to sleep until around 3 am, and I'm finally up and groggy at 10 am. Just checking in before I head to Jamba Juice for from fresh OJ, then off to find a store that has Odwalla juicers. I have no juicer and I'm far too poor to get one.

I also intend to do a bit of calorie shifting/every other day fasting to continue to lose weight. It's funny, but I have to remind myself that fasting isn't the only way I can lose weight. It was a tool to get me going in the right direction and give me control to do well. I had to keep reminding myself of that last night. So I will moniter my weight very closely and make sure I keep it going in the right direction.

I'll also continue to post here daily, since fasting isn't only about the not eating part. It's about the post-fast, as well as the new relationship with food and continued success. I also want to keep myself accountable.

Sooooo, I'm off for some juice! I'm very excited!!

Day 11

190 lbs this morning. My body fat is sentient and evil and hates me. It knew damn well I was hoping to see the 180s today, so it gave me 190 lbs out of spite. Evil.

Anyways, last night, everytime I looked in the mirror, I could have sworn I had lost weight in my face. It looked so much prettier and my double chin was barely there.

Day 11 and I've got 10 more to go. I feel fine, but my lower back has been killing me and keeping me awake. I think that has more to do with other factors than the fast. I'll try to get in to see the chiropractor today. I'll also try to go for a walk.

My tongue seems to have become more disgusting, and my breath horrid. I wake up in the morning hocking nasty little loogies (eeeew), brushing my teeth, scraping my tongue to the point of gagging (an interesting feeling since my tummy has nothing to give up) and rinsing with mouthwash. And yet the taste and smell are back within a half an hour. I keep waiting for this stage to clear up, but perhaps I've been causing myself undue setbacks with the juices and broths and gums. Well, I'll try my darndest with just water from here on out, but I can't make any promises.

I also think smells might be really hightened for me or something. Yesterday morning I was awoken by the smell of stale pee (like when someone doesn't flush the toilet for a couple of days). Both my toilets were fresh and clean, the lanai where my dogs sometimes pee was gross, but that's a different smell. I sprayed that down with vinegar until I can get some enzymatic deodorizer. All day I kept smelling that funk, never able to place my finger on it. I'm still not sure if it was just coming from my own nostrils or I was smelling something real.

Fabulous Weightloss Result: My watch fits again! And it's loose enough to stick the first knuckle worth of 2 fingers between! I have a metal link watch that I like to wear loose and bracelet-y, but I haven't worn it for a while because it was actually snug. I'm also wearing my size 16 jeans without the heinous stuffed-sausage-camel-toe look in the front. I still have a yucky muffin top, but my blubber hasn't taken over every ounce of available space in my pants. Good news!!

Day 10

190.4 lbs this morning.

After sleeping on it last night, I've decided to keep going until I reach 21 days. Here are my reasons:

I'm not hungry, I'm just craving eating. There are millions of starving people across the world that can't sit up and say one day, "Gee, I'm kind of hungry now, I think I'll eat". I just want food. The different flavors and such.

I'm almost halfway to 21 days. That's an achievement, and I can't throw that aside for some sushi.

In 21 days, if I continue a steady course of 1 lb a day, I can be 179 lbs when I break my fast, with a loss of 27 lbs. That give me much more comfort than 15 lbs should I gain anything back when I eat again.

Now, I can break my weightloss down into 3 21 day fasts, assuming a 20 lbs loss each fast. By my second fast I'll be into a weight range that I spent most of my life in (150-160). My third fast should find me in the 130-140 range, which I believe then constitutes a healthy weight range for my height and frame. Considering less loss or more gain between fasts, I may have to throw an extra one in there.

According to weight charts, my ideal weight is about 125 lbs. So I will continue with mini-fasts, more along the lines of Eat Stop Eat or something to reach that. No need for these excessive fasts when I am so low and close. Then I shall just maintain a healthy lifestyle, rebuild some of the muscle I've lost during the fast and many years of no exercise (my upper body strength is pathetic). I know that if I gain 10 lbs, it's time to do a couple of short fasts to get my body back to it's goal weight.

Remember, I don't recommend what I'm doing for someone who is 10 lbs from their goal. I'm in the morbidly obese category. The strain on my heart, joints, and other body parts are apparent to me, and far worse than fasting. I'm trying to get myself thinner and keep me there, and I'm an American, which means I need results, and I need the FAST if I'm expected to be motivated.

As for the day's entry, I feel good today. Sundays I enjoy sleeping in as late as possible and playing in my dreams, so I woke up around 11 am. I'm not weak, I'm not lightheaded. I have icky coated tongue and bad breath, I have a dull empty feeling deep in my tummy, but I'm feeling good.

I'm halfway done, and this wasn't as painful as I suspected it to be. I just got all crave-y and excited at the idea of all these yummy foods that I got ahead of myself last night. 11 more days and I'll drive out to my good sushi place and enjoy a couple pieces of my favorite. I'll also go out to my favorite fish place (on another day) and get the best damn fish in town (they are in the same parking lot as the fish auction). Ahi belly probably. Yuuuum. 11 days is nothing. I've already made it longer than a week, and 4 more days will make it 2 weeks. What's another week?


Fabulous weightloss result: My glasses aren't leaving dents in my temples! Whoooooooooo! Did you know that your head actually gets fat when you do? This is something I discovered when I lost and gained weight. Sunglasses got loose and tight depending on my weight. Very strange.

Update: I'm sipping a mug of chicken broth right now. I just absolutely needed some flavor. I know it's not actual food I want, but flavor. At 5 calories (and a bunch of sodium) I'm sure the calorie aspect of it won't hurt me, I'm a little concerned about the sodium. I'm also hoping that having flavors won't trigger bad hunger pangs or anything. We shall see. I'm not going to be a s strict this last week, and I'll have juices and such if I really want them. One good thing, the chicken broth instantly helped eliminate the dry, foamy spit-mouth thing I've had going on lately. So let this be a lesson, it's about the long run, not so strict that you're dying of desire at every food smell you encounter.

Quit or No?

I'm seriously considering cutting this to a 10 day fast. What didn't used to bother me is pure torture right now.

I was physically contorting myself to pick a pepperoni off my BF's pizza (I prevailed and didn't touch it). When it was cooking in the microwave I was breathing deeply like it was my last breathe on earth.

I'm really fighting the urge to eat. I'm scared if I let this urge get to strong it could turn into a binge, which is exactly what I don't want.

I really wanted to make it longer and continue to see the scale drop more, but I suppose that doing a 10 day on, 10 day off cycle would get me there. Lets see (calculating).....assuming I don't gain anything on my off days (unlikely I won't gain a few pounds to equalize, but this is best case scenario), I would be approx 159 by June 26th.

That's still pretty great, almost 50 lbs in a little more than 2 months. But I'd more likely be around 169 or so....still, fantastic. Hmmm, I think I'm being too hard on myself and expecting too much. All the other fasting blogs I've read people just vanish or quit after only a few days, so I'm ahead of the game. Is it the speed of weightloss that has put so much unnatural pressure on me? Any other "diet" I'd be flying high if I lost 45 lbs in 2 months. At an average and healthy number of 1-2 lbs a week, I'd be lucky (slow metabolism) to reach 195 lbs in 2 months! HAHAHAHA.

Ok, ok, I think I've settled it. The point of this for me is sustained loss. I don't want to burn out and go nuts and screw up everything I've worked for. So, there it is. Instead of being gung ho "keep going until I reach my goal!!", I'm changing this blog into an "intermittent fasting to reach my goal and maintain it" vibe.

I have to admit, that I've also been pretty worried about fasting for ages, reaching a goal weight, coming off, then gaining it all back quickly. At least if I haven't put that much time and effort into it only to gain it all back I won't be that screwed over. Regaining 15 lbs isn't as awful as regaining 60-70 lbs. LOL. This way will also allow me to gauge how my body will react to eating again in terms of weight gain.

So I guess I need a plan.

Tomorrow is the last day of my fast, that will go strict and according to plan.

Monday will be my 1st day post fast. It will consist of juices, not too acidic (darn, I love OJ), so apple juice stuff like that.

Tuesday I'll have a fruit cup and possibly some veggies.

Wednesday I'll transition to light foods. I'll probably quench my sushi craving that day. Only eat a couple pieces, as one of my goals is to keep my appetite and stomach small. I'll bring some home later for dinner.

Thursday I may go for something like a half a Subway 6" (so only 3"), and maybe I'll treat myself to some potato chips.

Friday I'd like to have myself some fish or my CPK chicken milanese. We'll see what I can pull off.

See there, that's not so bad. Nice and healthy (well, except the potato chips, but c'mon, even skinny people eat junk food! It's all about moderation). That should give me a good idea of how my body reacts to eating food again, and I hopefully won't gain too much back. From what I've read, I could possibly gain about 6 lbs back, which would upset me a great deal, as that's almost half of my loss! Once I know, I may re-asses this intermittent fasting thing and go back to the real deal. Or maybe I'll shorten the off-fast time to 3 days (juice day, fruit day, 1 food I've been craving day). A 6 lb gain on a 60 lb loss isn't a big deal. To be honest, I'm very scared. I'm also scared that restarting a fast may prove to be more difficult than maintaining it. I have to trust that I can do it.

Update: http://books.google.com/books?id=8SuNnLearBgC&pg=PA21&lpg=PA21&dq=metabolic+cycle+in+absence+of+food&source=bl&ots=uEXwPQc1dZ&sig=X6e-pjAZKnTM1c2r7JKK8OWam3U&hl=en&ei=McwPSufxOZXqtQOWntSNAw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=10#PPA22,M1

Pages 21 & 22 are fascinating and speak about the process of the body's metabolism using adipose (fat) to make energy. It also talks about the inherent protein loss. Coming from a medical journal, I think it's safe to say that it's to be respected. This is to naysayers who think your heart is going to fail and your muscles will wither and die. You'll lose a little muscle, but most of your energy will be derived from the fat in your body.

Day 9

191.4 this morning! Glad to see that odd little day-long stall is over. I have no idea what that was all about. If it doesn't stall on me again, I should be in the 180s tomorrow, which makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Last night was so odd though, I actually had thoughts of ending my fast. I went to bed around 9 pm feeling woozy and sick, and I had really bad heartburn/reflux. I have no idea what would have caused any of that. The only things that came to mind were that I had one of those Diet Lipton Green Teas yesterday morning, and that I may have overexerted myself helping my mom out. I was really hungry too, and I think that hunger was helped along by me thinking of quitting because I felt so crummy.

I dunno. Thankfully I feel pretty good today. I'm planning on cleaning my filthy, disgusting, pigsty of a house.

I bought a bunch of flowers and a baby mock orange bush from the nursery yesterday and finally replanted the 2 window baskets (I have 4, but 2 of the coconut husk liners are missing) and 1 hanging basket that have sat empty and dead for years on my lanai. I can't believe I put it of for soooo long because I thought I couldn't afford it. I spent $13 on flowers, and my mom picked up the tab on the $4 mock orange because she was already paying for an areca palm. I've been fussing about $17 worth of improvement? Am I retarded? Now that I have those, I can see that a little money here and a little money there is all I need to get new liners for the other two and pick up another small batch of flowers and I'll have flower city on my lanai! I think I'd like to start a container garden out there, where I just have pretty containers all around the place oozing with pretty plants and flowers. At $4 a pop, I'm definitely picking up more mock orange. I love the scent when they are in bloom, absolutely love them. I had wanted to plant a bunch of them in a row to give me a privacy fence and to give me yummy smells but I always thought it would cost too much and I'm on the second floor. I think I'll pick up a few of those larger rectangle flower boxes and plant them in there along the floor. Yay!

I'm considering adding a little bit of water soluable fiber to a glass of water today, and seeing what else my colon has been hoarding ever since that miracle baby poo of yesterday. Hmmm. I shall report back later with any other findings.

Day 8

Late posting today, I had things to do.

193 again this morning. Funny, first day I haven't seen the scale budge. Maybe I was thinking too hard about all the foods I want to eat, hehehe. It also seems that weighing later in the day to see losses has gone out the window. It's back to "normal", where you should only weigh in the morning. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Little dizzy when I stand up to quickly, little tired, but I helped my mom clean house and sand floors today, so obviously I had enough energy to be capable of doing that.

I went to Jack in the Box with my parents today for lunch, and I lied to them, telling them I'm doing an intermittent type of fasting, where I eat one day and don't eat the next. It allowed me to just drink water while they ate, and mom asked me more about it. I'll be honest when I reach a goal or two. I explained to my mom how I no longer crave any sweets, and that I'm craving really random things. I think I need to prepare a list of foods I want to eat when I get back, and schedule when I eat them so I have a nice plan of attack that will keep me from going nuts when I get to eat again. I think the first on my list will be sushi, because that's pretty good for you, and I'm pretty sure that was the first thing I started dreaming about.

Speaking of dreams, the last few nights I have been having very vivid, lucid dreams. It's been neat and fun. I don't feel like I'm just following along, but that I'm actually acting it out and making changes. I also have excellent recall as to what my dream was about. Cool.

Another little odd thing, last night I did some tummy massages as some people suggest, and this afternoon I had a tiny bowel movement. My first in days! It was little, kind of solid, kind of sloppy, and yellowish. I guess my intestines and colon have been holding out on me!

I've been getting really dry mouth, the foamy spit kind, and it seems like I can't get enough water. Sugarless gum helps in times like these, as it stimulates saliva production.

Oh, and the last two nights I've been having a gurgling tummy, I think it's begging for food. Not yet my little tum-tum.

Day 7

193 lbs this morning! 13.8 lbs down in 1 week. Amazing.

I slept until 11:30 am....well, it was interrupted sleep, dog barking, BF talking, etc, etc. Insomnia is really annoying me, but I don't think it's a result of the fasting, rather a result of the fact that for 2 weeks I slept in a California King with my 2 chihuahuas and no BF. Now I'm back to my Queen size, 2 dogs, and a BF. I can't seem to stretch out and get comfy at all. So I end up tossing and turning, in my tiny slice of a bed, with 2 little dogs fighting for spots at my side or between my legs, and my BF sawing Zs, comfy as can be right next to me.

BF was starting to ask questions of me last night, asking what I was eating. I had no idea he would be so perceptive of my eating habits. I lied and told him I ate with the kids, which he took to mean I was eating once a day. That seemed to satisfy him, so while we're both home together I should make a point of leaving the house for a short time daily under the premise of getting sushi or something. I hate lying, but in our talk last night he seemed to think that not eating would be starvation (in which I proclaimed I was a fat-ass polar bear) and he thinks my body would somehow be so retarded in it's making that it would consume muscle and not the fat stores as God and science intended. Sure, I may lose a little bit of muscle mass, but that is replaceable, just as fat is. So I shall have to keep mum, and only come clean when I have completed the task at hand so I can just get scolded for something in the past instead of berated for something I'm currently doing.

I was a little phlegmy yesterday morning, and a little phlemy this morning. Nothing out of the ordinary. I was a weak little kitten getting out of bed today, but that may have been due to being in bed until 11:30, I'll have to give my body some time to "wake up" and see. There were some gurglings in my tumtum last night, and I had some strange food desires, like fish sticks, guacamole and that dipping sauce that comes with tempura foods (not all together though). Weird. Breath is still horrible, tongue still coated. I had forgotten to mention in earlier posts that my acid reflux problem is completely gone now, which is wonderful!

Stood up a little too fast from the couch and had to lean against the kitchen counter for a few moments to steady myself from the woozies. I also move slowly.....like a little old lady walking. Slooooooooooow. But hey, if this means I'll be in the 180s in a day or two, that trumps any problems I'm having!

I think the neighbor is making fishsticks or something. They smell sooooo good. And BF has been eating Costco polish hotdogs every day and those smell awesome. I will prevail!

Day 6

195.4 lbs this morning. Hooray! I'll weigh again tonight, as the old adage of weighing in the morning has gone right out the window with fasting. As you've seen from my updates, I manage to lose more weight during the day, before I go to bed.

Better yet, the weak, pathetic baby kitten is gone! I still fatigue quickly, but my energy has returned to a degree. Not that I was super energy girl before, but I can actually do things without feeling the need to sit back and rest.

I still have stupid insomnia, which is preventing me from getting a full night's sleep. I should probably just force myself to nap during the day when I feel the need to sleep. Sleeping and reclined resting is very important (or so they say) during a water fast. I'm just one of those stubborn people who will be super tired, yet can't pull myself away from the computer or TV.

Do you realize how often we are bombarded with images of delicious food on TV all day long? I had no idea. I've been forced to close my eyes or flip the channel quickly when something fantastic and decadent pops on. I find that Googling fasting and other combos of it and reading different sites and testimonials about it to be a superb way to ease any cravings. It just really helps to rally you back into why you are doing this.

I'm wondering if the OJ yesterday and the sips of apple juice the other day have hurt me at all. Apparently according to some die-hard fasters that is enough to consider the fast broken. Oh well. I don't see it that way. I still haven't had any food. And the kids had chicken nuggets today for lunch. And cheese on english muffins and bananas for snack.......WANT.

I'm so proud of my resolve. I let the teacher know that I was on a diet so there will be no more attempts to offer me a plate, not that they ever pushed any food on me at all or anything. Just makes it easy to say no. And they have milk with lunch. Have I mentioned I love milk? Fresh and cold out of the carton. Yummers. Chocolate milk is the bomb.

I was doing some calculating today to see what it will take to get me where I want to be. Under the assumption that the losses have dropped down to 1 lb a day, and I've lost 11.4 lbs already, that means that if the loss continues at a steady 1 lb a day, I will reach around 177 by the end of this month. Last time I weighed that, I was on my way up from the Nutrisystem loss. Continuing at 1 lb a day (I hope I hope!) I will reach 150 lbs by my birthday. Not sure if I can get away with not eating on my birthday. I may have to break it then, which means I have to come off it slowly, probably a week ahead, so I can enjoy the naughty stuff without dying of stomach pains later that night. That would mean I did a 51 day fast. Whew, that sounds insane, doesn't it?? From where I sit right now, just looking at my losses and my general attitude on a day-to-day basis, it doesn't seem that bad. Maybe I'll be signing another tune as I go longer.

A quick 21 day fast or so should theoretically drop me down into the 120-130s if I'm lucky. God. I've never been in the 120s in my adult life. I managed to wind up in the 130s when I was 18 or so. That didn't last too long, and my body found a happy place around 145. I wonder if this would reset that whole "set point" idea, and my body would enjoy being in the 120s. At 5'5" and generally petite (I wear a 6 1/2 shoe), I think the 120s is not an unhealthy place for me to be. I can't imagine wanting to be any lower than that. See, I'm not someone suffering from eating disorders. I don't have body issues. I don't want to weight 89 lbs soaking wet. I just want to be in a healthy, attractive weight range.

God, the idea of being in the 150s for my birthday is so ridiculously exciting for me!! I've got all these clothes in my dresser that are way to small for me now or haven't even been worn because I started gaining right after I bought them. I've got a gorgeous 50's inspired dress that's a size 8 (possibly a 10, can't remember, it hasn't left the shipping bag), I've got a few pairs of size 10's and 8's pants, I've even got a lone, unworn size 6 jeans......that was when 8 was slightly too loose for me, and 6 was still too tight. I was about 147 lbs when I was a size 10, so being 150 should be able to see me in most of those clothes.

Unfortunately I haven't seen any outward changes yet. Skin is not clear, eyes look the same (though I haven't really paid attention to that), clothes don't fit differently, no one has noticed. I suppose 11 lbs off of 206 lbs is not yet enough to really be noticeable. It's a different story for someone who is 130 lbs.

I find myself to be really thirsty, tongue thirsty. The dry, foamy spit mouth. Yuck. Oh, and my breath still sucks ass. No poo either, have I mentioned I don't poo any more? It was a little disconcerting at first, but now I just accept it. I pooed liquidy brown/yellow goop the first 3-4 days or so. Now, nothing.

Some Thoughts

I'm really annoyed at the naysayers who scream at the stupidity of fasting and that I'll gain back every single ounce AND THEN SOME the second I put food to my mouth again.

I've been researching a lot online, and it seems that there is a large amount of people out there who think like that.

Of course I'll gain back all the weight and then some if I go back to my original diet and lifestyle. That's an absurd argument. Any diet that is followed by a poor diet and lifestyle will result in the return of pounds and then some.

I absolutely despise idiotic comments.

If someone honestly thinks that I, or any other person who embarks on a fast is stupid enough to go through this, only to fallback on daily meals at Taco Bell and Jack in the Box, gorging on cupcakes and candy bars, drinking a case of beer every week, and never exercising they have another thing coming to them.

Part of the greatness of fasting is that it shows me that I'm in control. My hunger and cravings are practically gone. I know that I don't have to answer every call to food and I won't suffer because I didn't eat that second helping.

Sure, I'll eat junk food. I'm not a health freak. I'll also keep it under control and I'll be prepared if I feel it gets out of hand.

I've done the whole weightloss thing the "right way" before. I lost 27 lbs on Nutrisystem. It took me around 9 months if I recall. For 27 lbs! There were ups and downs. I learned better nutrition and eating. I gained it all back, and then some within a few months because I fell right back into my old habits, and I chose to ignore the numbers on the scale. Denial is not a river in Egypt. Stupid me. I've learned my lesson.

I did Weight Watchers for a very short time. I think I may have lost about 5 lbs. I was bored and annoyed, and I hated counting everything. It just completely felt like I was being deprived. All the things I wanted, but I couldn't have because I hit my count for the day.

Oddly, I don't feel deprived while fasting. It's also comforting to know that I won't have the long task ahead of me of fighting and struggling through 6 or more (probably more) months of slow and tedious weight loss. Fasting is not forever. Fasting is quick. 2-3 months I can potentially hit my goal weight. Then I can ease back into a healthier lifestyle. I can then maintain my weight by periodic short fasts, or something like Eat Stop Eat.

End rant.

Day 5

195.4 lbs this morning/afternoon (when I rolled outta bed), can you believe it??

11.4 lbs down in 5 days, with no exercise and no "thought" to diet....just don't eat. What a simple premise. Imagine, if I had done a "regular" low-calorie diet and exercise routine, I would have been lucky to lose this much weight in a month. How can that keep anyone motivated?? I was actually telling myself prior to fasting that if I started dieting and exercising I could reach my goal weight (if lucky) of 145 lbs (+/- a few) by the end of the year. I was planning on getting married next year because I didn't want to be a fat bride.

Fasting is going to get me to my goal in a matter of 2-3 months, easy. I know they say the losses slow down after a while, but from what I've read, "slow" still means about a pound a day.

I must admit that there are times I'm concerned that I'm wrong, and this really isn't healthy for me. I feel ok, but I don't know if my body is. It's hard to be ok with not eating when everything you've ever been raised to know tells you that you must eat a certain amount or you will become malnourished and die or something. Reminding myself how unhealthy I am being morbidly obese sets the stage. I don't belive fasting is healthy for someone in a healthy weight range, certainly not for the period of time I am contemplating. A few days without food doesn't concern me, however.

Imagine what a weak and pathetic species we would be if we became sickly and/or dropped dead due to not eating for just a few days. My fish can deal, so can we.

I believe that every obese to morbidly obese person should fast well before embarking on any weight loss surgeries. How strange it is that having a doctor gut you like a fish and chop 9/10ths of your stomach out, forcing you into a lifelong new highly restricted eating habit is considered "healthier" than fasting. When I'm done fasting, I can eat again. I can eat whatever I want. I have the power to gain it all back if I fall back into my old ways, but I have the abilitly to make choices about what I put into my stomach. I'm not going to upchuck if I make a mistake and have one too many bites of pumpkin pie. Maybe I'll gain a few after a Thanksgiving meal, but I can lose it back again, lickety split by simply fasting for only a few days. The person who has had gastric bypass can only eat a very tiny amount of some of the Thanksgiving dishes placed before them......that's torture to me.

I had considred gastric bypass, but was not fat enough for it. There were times when I thought "geez, I can't seem to lose 1 measly pound, maybe I should just eat my way up until I qualify for gastric bypass". How sad and depressing that I considered having major surgery because I had no success with any other diet. And trust me, I've tried a whole slew of them.

I haven't told anyone about my fast yet. I know they would all be concerned and upset, and try to thwart my efforts. I suppose I must just go it alone and unbothered, not proclaiming my losses to anyone so as not to illicit suspicion. Eventually they will be able to see the results. They still may believe I'm doing it the "healthy" way. I'll probably have to come clean near the end, when I've lost a ridiculous amount in a very short time. Then I'll have people down my throat asking me how I did it. I can imagine the looks of horror on their faces when I tell them. But my results will show for themselves. And they will see me eating again. And I will be thin, attractive, and healthy.

As for my current situation, I am not hungry. There is no real hunger. There are pangs in the evening, more of desire and jealousy than of actual hunger. My body seems to have finally learned that I am not here to cater to it's every tiny whim. That's how I got into this whole mess, and I'm going to get out of it by doing the opposite. I ignore any tiny inkling of desire for food, for boredom for food, for craving for food. My body doesn't need it. My body has at a minimum 60 lbs of pure, fresh, unused fat to gnosh on. So enjoy, dear body. You've spent a couple of years storing up these delicious reserves for times of famine. Guess what? It's famine time! Eat up!

Update: Wanted to update on the entirety of my day. I was very tired and easily fatigued today. I move very slowly. I had a glass of diluted orange juice because I felt a little woozy and thought some sugar would be helpful. It was.

I find myself craving generally healthy foods. I've been dreaming of the day I can get my hands on some sushi, and today I found myself desiring tofu, which I really don't enjoy that much (but occasionally when well prepared it surprises me!). I've also been dreaming about CPK's Chicken Milanese, which is a pounded, breaded chicken breast (actually 3 on the plate, but I couldn't imagine eating all that now) covered in fresh arugula.....yum! I did envy my BF as he devoured an enormous Costco hotdog tonight. It smelled positively divine. But still, my cravings have been more on the healthy end of the spectrum.

I'm very tired and weak. Washing my hair was a chore tonight, and I actually had to take breaks because my arms were tired. Again, I move veeeeeeery slowly.

Reading up some more it seems that sleep and general bedrest is very encouraged during a water fast. Luckily I have the luxury of all this time. I'm not sure that I could really do this if I was expected to be at work every day. I will certainly post if this changes.

As a reminder, I'm not pulling any punches. I'm giving an honest depiction of a water fast. I'm not going to sugar coat anything. If I'm weak, I'm weak. If I'm tired, I'm tired. If I'm bursting with energy and euphoria, so be it. I'll tell it like it is. Unfortunately the internet is littered with dozens of failed or abandoned fasting blogs, so I felt it was my duty to provide a real and complete one. Again, I have a loose goal of 21 days, but I'm not against going less or more, I'm going to focus on what my body tells me. If I do less, I will certainly fast again after a short break, as the fat loss is my ultimate goal. So far stopping and starting seems like it would be harder, having to go through the first few days all over again may be problematic. Hopefully I can do this in one fell swoop and use intermittent fasting as maintenance instead. Here's hoping.

Day 4

198 lbs this afternoon! Just shy of 9 lbs down on my 4th day of fasting.

More good news, the weak kitten feeling is gone, and I'm only slightly fatigued, nothing near as overwhelming as the last two days.

Bad news, I was really craving food. I think I just had a lot of temptations today. Watching the preschoolers I volunteer with eat snack and lunch, walking the treacherous aisles of Costco, dodging delicious samples, smelling the hotdogs as you check out, driving past countless fast food joints while running errands. Grrr. Gum helped a lot. I also had a few sips of apple juice during the kids' snacktime. Doubt that was anything that was going to cause any problems.

I bought my boyfriend all sorts of "self help" foods to help keep me out of the kitchen as much as possible, though I know a home cooked meal is inevitable. I think I can handle it, though I'm a pretty damn good cook.

I can't break this stride now, and I'm doing so well. Just the idea of being 20+ lbs down by the end of this month is intoxicating. I'm also anticipating a marriage proposal and wedding before the year is up, so I am definitely determined to lose this weight.

My birthday is the end of June, and the thought of being 40+ lbs down for my birthday makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Hoping for a July wedding, and mere idea of being down to 150 lbs or lower by then sends me to the moon. Am I dreaming big? Will I be able to do this? Am I going to crash and burn, as I've done time and time again? Damn, I really hope not.

Day 3

202 lbs this afternoon!

That's 4.8 lbs in 3 days. Woot!

Last night and this morning were very rough on me. Even though I was exhausted, I just couldn't find sleep. I don't know if I was just restless from my backache, or if it was a symptom of the fast, but I slept very little last night.

I also felt very weak, similar to when you've had a really nasty cold and stayed in bed a couple of days and then you try to get up. Kind of weak, woozy, and tired. I don't buy the toxins being released idea so much. I really just think it's my body figuring out how to switch from main power to its generator for energy. There are some power surges and outages until it works the kinks out.

The hunger is just a dull ache occasionally. I think it's more about remembering foods than actually desiring them. It's so fascinating to realize how little my body actually requires, and how our lifestyle has created the need to satiate every little whim. If my tummy felt a little rumble or asked for food, I would have immediately gone and inspected the fridge or pantry. The instant gratification I gave my hunger is what led me to this weight. How unnecessary it turned out to be.

After getting up early to get my mom flowers, I took a short nap and I must say that did help quite a bit. I am still a little fatigued and weak, but not nearly as bad as this morning.

I found myself thinking about food nonstop in bed, but again, it wasn't desirous. It was very strange.

My thirst has also subsided a bit. I was quenching my hunger pangs with glasses of water before, and I find that isn't as necessary today.

I still have the BBQ to test me today. I purchased some Orbit sugar free gum while at the store because I had funky breath and I wanted to chew something. Hopefully chewing gum will keep people from pushing booze and food on me, and give me an out.

All in all, if the fatigue and wooziness goes away tomorrow or the next, I will be very happy with how it's going.

Update: Simply fascinating. 200 lbs as of 6 pm. The weight just melts right off. I'm sure most is water weight, but I know once I get into double-digit losses that there can be no doubt. Still not dying of hunger or anything, kind of longing for some food though. Still very fatigued and weak.

Day 2

Day 2 is halfway through, and I weighed this morning. I can't say that I'm not disappointed that I have had no weight loss yet, but I will continue. Hopefully my body is just hanging on for a bit, and I will see a large loss at the end of Week 1. I will stay off the scale until my 7 day mark.

I'm visiting with my parents, which makes the not eating difficult. My mom is a great cook, and she was making raviolis she was going to cook tonight. I will have to think of an excuse. I told her I wasn't feeling really well yesterday. I can't back down, this is important.

I will ammend this post at the end of the day to account for the rest of it.

Update: I am very tired and weary feeling. I took a nap today, and haven't really done much. I feel weak when I get up. This is supposed to pass. I'm not sure if my body is counting this as day 2 or 3, so I shall have to see what tomorrow brings.

I keep thinking about food, it's odd. My parents brought home fabulous pizza, but I have stayed strong. My thoughts of food are more like just thoughts than cravings or anything.

I caved a little and I'm drinking a Lipton Diet Tea right now, because I craved a flavor. At 0 calories and 80mg sodium, I don't think that's going to really cause any problems. I have jasmine tea I can brew as well.

Looking online, I find it curious that fasting views are so polarized. Sure, I can't imagine that a long fast would be healthy for someone of a normal starting weight, but I can't see how it would be bad for someone who is obese like me.

Is it really better for my heart, lungs, joints, mental health to be 200+ lbs than it is to stop eating for a while? How can I possibly starve with all this extra fat all over my body? I'm not going to look like a Holocaust victim after 3 weeks. I won't even be thin, but hopefully I will be on the right track.

I don't see the harm. To me, the benifits outweigh any perceived risks. And the damage I've caused (and am causing) to my body by adding and maintaining all this excess weight seems far more detrimental to my overall health than fasting.

Tomorrow is going to be tricky, and I'm a little concerned. It's Mother's Day, and friends are coming over to go to the beach and cookout. They day will be filled with beer, wine, and tons of great food. Hopefully no one will notice that I'm not eating. We shall see.

I also hope this weakness goes away soon. I'm not a fan.

I've been reading and people seem to miss chewing. I wonder if sugar free gum in times like that is acceptable? I don't see why not, unless you are fasting for the detox purposes. Again, I'm in it for the weight loss, so doesn't seem like a problem for me.

Update 2: Yeeeeesssss!! I stepped on the scale out of morbid curiosity to discover that after the disappointment of seeing 206.8 this morning, the scale now registered 203 this afternoon! Hooray! I'm so happy and this just helps my resolve. So you can see this as an almost 4 lb loss in 2 or 3 days (as I've said I'm not sure what my body is counting this as because I fasted all day on 0 except for the raisin bread).

Well worth it.

Day 1

Today was Day 1.

I hadn't done as much research as I should have, and my water fast also included Lipton's Diet Greeen Tea. I don't believe that will cause me any issues, but I am moving to a strict water-only fast tomorrow.

I walked the beach for about 1 1/2, all the way to the end. I sat and meditated. I enjoyed the sights, smells, and sounds of the ocean. My parents had gone to lunch. I told them I ate already.

I did the same at dinner. I don't feel that anyone would understand my fast, and I feel that everyone would tell me how unhealthy it is. But why? What is unhealthy about it? Nature and God set us up this way. We store fat to protect ourselves in times of famine. It is the way we were created. In this day and age, there is no famine, so the storing just continues and continues. Can you imagine bears, who store fat for the winter hibernation, no longer need to hibernate and just continue to store fat? We would have a world full of morbidly obese bears.

No, for now I keep this to myself. Which makes it harder, but also easier, as no one will be constantly trying to get me to eat.

I feel pretty good today. I had the energy for a walk, which was great. No real hunger pangs, I just drank water or tea if I felt anything.

Day 0

Today is the day I've decided to fast. Some bad things happened today, which made it very easy to skip eating.

I'm also at a complete loss at how to overcome my weight. My willpower is shot, my drive is gone, and my ego is crushed through dozens of poor starts and no results.

Today I managed to eat nothing, but at night when I visited my parents I had 2 pieces of raisin bread toast with butter because I felt hungry. So I do not count this as Day 1, but Day 0.

I have a friend who fasts often. She binges, gains weight, then fasts to lose it. I don't feel that is particularly healthy, but it works for her. I need to do something that works.

So I spent the evening researching water fasts online. There is a great deal of information, but as I searched for testimonials and results, the Google hits were lacking. Hence my decision to blog this, both for me to track my success and for others to be able to see what this is all about.

Stats:

Height 5'5"
Weight 206.8 lbs
Bone structure: medium build

I don't kid myself. I am not big boned, I am not genetically predisposed to being fat, I don't have a thyroid problem, I am fat because I eat to much and I don't exercise. I'm honest about my reasons.

I'm also honest about my reasons for fasting. I'm not in it for the detox or spiritual stuff. I'm in it for self control and fat loss. I am vain.

Several years ago I did a 3 day Master Cleanse Fast. I don't recall any weight loss, but I did like the feeling of control and the loss of my monstrous appetite. I wish I had the willpower to go longer. I will go as long as I can, I am not sure what to set my ultimate goal at right now. I've seen too many failed fasting attempts online, and I don't want to set myself up for failure. 3, 7, 10, and 14 days sound too short. I want to lose 60+ lbs and I don't want to screw around. 21 and 30 days sound more likely, but they also sound very hard, and I don't want to set myself up for failure with a number that I cannot achieve. So I think for now I will set a goal of 21 days, and longer if I can.

I will break my fast when my body tells me to. I have great respect in my own body to know what it needs. I will listen to it, and also know when a craving is just that - a craving and not a need.

This is where it begins.